maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Randomize
