I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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