I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
barbara walters just said penis...
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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