Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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