Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
