he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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