I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
