Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
