i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
