Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
