I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Randomize
