fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Randomize
