hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize