Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
