Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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