Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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