so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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