hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
