Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
