4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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