i wish starbucks made bloody marys
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
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