i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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