Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
