OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
