porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
