I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
