you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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