Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
