before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
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