i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Randomize
