Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
