I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
