you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
