i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
You pole danced in your parka.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
