Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
