I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
