Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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