so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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