Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Never joke about your clitoris.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
