I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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