It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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