i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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