We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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