I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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