hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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