Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
