well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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