Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
He keeps bees of course he's weird
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
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