Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
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