Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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